Saturday, July 26, 2008

"Church Offices, How may I help you?"

"Church Offices, How may I help you?"

"Erm I was wondering if there was one of those small trampolines around anywhere?"

"Ok, have you lost one or were you looking to buy one?"

"Oh, I wanted to purchase one."

"Sure. I will put you through to the DI."

Eerrr, hello people! I mean seriously!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

This is a story by Lynn C. Jaynes taken from the book 'Sunshine for the Humorous Latter-day Saint Soul'. It is rather excellent. I was going to try to paraphrase it but I really am not that good, so I will include it in full. It is worth the read anyway, even if it is a little long! I think that I love it so much because it reminds me of something Lorenne might do. Yeah, totally cool!

"Levi is trying to decide if he needs to stay home from school or not today. This presents a real dilemma, as he has to wrestle with which absentee notice to turn into the school principal when he returns. I keep several signed notes in my drawer, and he gets to take his pick and fill in the blank with his name. These are his choices:
Note #1
"________ had a doctor's appointment this morning because he is a pain - I mean he had a pain. The doctor said he's not dead yet. Please excuse him from classes, although he says he wouldn't mind making up the recess."
Note #2
"Please do not excuse _______ from school today. He deserves every zero you give him. He woke up cranky and hating everything from the breakfast pancakes to the toothpaste. He couldn't find a clean shirt except for the ones on his floor that he's been stepping on for two days, and he forgot to do the assignment in history due to a late night, very intense episode of "I Love Lucy." I have sent him back to his room with a list of nasty chores for the day. He should be done by about 2:00 this afternoon. Would you like me to send him to you then? I guarantee that by then, he will be miserable and hating staying home plenty; I should think you'd look pretty good to him."
Note #3
"Dear Teacher, You did not have the pleasure of my son's disposition in class yesterday, and for that you can thank me. I gave him permission to go hunting. I know this is generally not an excused absence, but hear me out: He ardently desired to feel like a mighty meat-gatherer, and I have been living with that macho attitude for over two weeks now. We have two choices here - you can give him zero's on missed assignments (to which he will respond, 'Mighty hunters don't care about little goose eggs'), or we could let his blistered feet, sore leg muscles, empty game bag, and the flat tire he had to change be their own punishment. The bonus to us both is that his primal chest-beating and yodeling are now much subdued. I think we both won."
Note #4
"Dear School: I have been working through my list of people to send stinky notes to today, and 'you is one!' _______ is not in class today because he informs me that there is another child sitting behind him in class who constantly picks at him and says discusting things to him. I've tried to teach my children that we don't noses, we don't pick mothers and we certainly don't pick at other kids. And, if we don't pick, then we can expect the same treatment from others. Now please, Teacher, I may be a whiny mother, but don't make me out a liar too."
Note #5
"Dear School. Yesterday _________ spent the day at home down-loading. He did not have enough RAM to continue operating at a competitive level, and his monitor was looking a little hazy. I think he caught a virus."
Note #6
"Dear School, Someone at your fine institution mentioned at the beginning of the year that attendance at a funeral constituted an excusable absence. _________ is taking you at your word and now reads the obituaries faithfully. Providence has been in his favor of late, and as you know, he has had several opportunities to mourn. Though we must excuse his absence today with a little forbearance, I think we can break him of this. From now on. do not excuse him unless he can at least spell the name of the deceased."
Note #7
" Dear Teacher, There is no excuese for my child's ditching school today, but my mother-in-law lives out of state - let's blame her. You can send ________ home the minute you get him straightened out. P.S. I won't expect him for supper."

As you can see, Levi has quite a problem figuring out which one to take this morning, if he misses school. But these are his only choices; I've spent many hours writing them, carefully choosing which words to use and signing each one. They are in my drawer at the disposal of my children, whenever they decide to miss school. I can rest fairly sure the kids are smart enough to realize just how much damage their mother can do. And mom wins again!'

Ha ha ha! Totally brilliant!

President Monson gets his shoes cleaned!

Ha ha ha! I love President Monson. And I LOVE this story... he is the coolest of the cool.

President Monson gets his shoes cleaned

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hey there baby, I'm your telephone man!

So, my mom used to sing us funny songs and silly rhymes when we were growing up. She is very funny and cute and we loved to learn those songs. Anyway, I was singing one of those songs the other day to a friend of mine who is a telephone guy at work anyway, I only knew the chorus and so we googled it to find the rest of the song. When we read the words I almost died of shock. I think the description of the song on the website was 'it is like soft porn!' Erm.. yeah, thanks Mom, teaching us dodgy songs!!!!! What is that about!

Here are the words to the song, just in case you thought I was making it up!!!!

I rented my apartment on a Monday at one
A-singin' do lolly, lolly shicky bum, shicky bum
Started movin' in it on a Tuesday at two
A-singin' do lolly, lolly shicky do, shicky do
Wednesday at three I called the phone company
Singin' hey baby put a phone it for me
Thursday at four he came knockin' at my door singin':

Hey, baby I'm your telephone man
You just show me where you want it and I'll put it where I can
I can put it in the bedroom, I can put it in the hall
I can put it in the bathroom, I can hang it on the wall
You can have it with a buzz, you can have it with a ring.
And if you really want it, you can have a ding-a-ling
Because a-hey baby I'm your telephone man.

Can you believe that? And then he says"

"Now when other fella's call ya, tell 'em how it all began."

Well... Can you imagine?

My heart began a-thumpin' and my mind began to fly
And I knew I wasn't dealin' with no ordinary guy
So while he was a talkin', I was thinkin' up my plan
Then my fingers did the walkin' on the telephone man

Singin' Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Get it any way you can
Right? Ha ha ha so...

I got it in the bedroom, and I got it in the hall
I got it in the bathroom and he hung it on the wall
I got it with a buzz and I got it with a ring
And when he told me what my number was, I got a ding-a-ling

A-singin' hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Just-a doin' my thing.

Ha ha... I've never done anything like this before.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


Imagination is more important than knowledge, for while knowledge defines all we currently know and understand, imagination leads us to all we might yet discover and create!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Hhhaitch Arrr

It is really strange how the things that people say have a tendency to stick in your mind. When I worked for Domestic and General in Bedworth, I worked in the HR department, in the office next to ours was was the site director. His name is Alistair Murray and he was one of the funniest people that I have ever met. He is so clever and has such a quick wit and an amazing talent for excellent comic timing. In fact he somewhat resembles John Cleese and often performs an amazing comedy routine for all those who are happy to take the time to listen and adore him.

Anyway, Alistair's favourite joke was to make fun of one of the HR secretary's in our department. She had a very common Beduff accent and would pronouce the department as Hhhaitch Arr, Alistair LOVED this and would quote it often. I now work for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a Voice Communications Technical Service Representative, and as a result I connect a lot of people to the HR department and everytime I do I think of Alistair Murray and I have a good little chuckle.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I am Snow White

Pure and trusting. You are a gentle soul who can get along with just about anyone. Everyone you meet instantly falls in love with you. How can they resist? You have a pure, lovable nature that's irresistable. Just don't trust everyone who comes across your path.