Excuses, Excuses

This is a story by Lynn C. Jaynes taken from the book 'Sunshine for the Humorous Latter-day Saint Soul'. It is rather excellent. I was going to try to paraphrase it but I really am not that good, so I will include it in full. It is worth the read anyway, even if it is a little long! I think that I love it so much because it reminds me of something Lorenne might do. Yeah, totally cool!

"Levi is trying to decide if he needs to stay home from school or not today. This presents a real dilemma, as he has to wrestle with which absentee notice to turn into the school principal when he returns. I keep several signed notes in my drawer, and he gets to take his pick and fill in the blank with his name. These are his choices:
Note #1
"________ had a doctor's appointment this morning because he is a pain - I mean he had a pain. The doctor said he's not dead yet. Please excuse him from classes, although he says he wouldn't mind making up the recess."
Note #2
"Please do not excuse _______ from school today. He deserves every zero you give him. He woke up cranky and hating everything from the breakfast pancakes to the toothpaste. He couldn't find a clean shirt except for the ones on his floor that he's been stepping on for two days, and he forgot to do the assignment in history due to a late night, very intense episode of "I Love Lucy." I have sent him back to his room with a list of nasty chores for the day. He should be done by about 2:00 this afternoon. Would you like me to send him to you then? I guarantee that by then, he will be miserable and hating staying home plenty; I should think you'd look pretty good to him."
Note #3
"Dear Teacher, You did not have the pleasure of my son's disposition in class yesterday, and for that you can thank me. I gave him permission to go hunting. I know this is generally not an excused absence, but hear me out: He ardently desired to feel like a mighty meat-gatherer, and I have been living with that macho attitude for over two weeks now. We have two choices here - you can give him zero's on missed assignments (to which he will respond, 'Mighty hunters don't care about little goose eggs'), or we could let his blistered feet, sore leg muscles, empty game bag, and the flat tire he had to change be their own punishment. The bonus to us both is that his primal chest-beating and yodeling are now much subdued. I think we both won."
Note #4
"Dear School: I have been working through my list of people to send stinky notes to today, and 'you is one!' _______ is not in class today because he informs me that there is another child sitting behind him in class who constantly picks at him and says discusting things to him. I've tried to teach my children that we don't noses, we don't pick mothers and we certainly don't pick at other kids. And, if we don't pick, then we can expect the same treatment from others. Now please, Teacher, I may be a whiny mother, but don't make me out a liar too."
Note #5
"Dear School. Yesterday _________ spent the day at home down-loading. He did not have enough RAM to continue operating at a competitive level, and his monitor was looking a little hazy. I think he caught a virus."
Note #6
"Dear School, Someone at your fine institution mentioned at the beginning of the year that attendance at a funeral constituted an excusable absence. _________ is taking you at your word and now reads the obituaries faithfully. Providence has been in his favor of late, and as you know, he has had several opportunities to mourn. Though we must excuse his absence today with a little forbearance, I think we can break him of this. From now on. do not excuse him unless he can at least spell the name of the deceased."
Note #7
" Dear Teacher, There is no excuese for my child's ditching school today, but my mother-in-law lives out of state - let's blame her. You can send ________ home the minute you get him straightened out. P.S. I won't expect him for supper."

As you can see, Levi has quite a problem figuring out which one to take this morning, if he misses school. But these are his only choices; I've spent many hours writing them, carefully choosing which words to use and signing each one. They are in my drawer at the disposal of my children, whenever they decide to miss school. I can rest fairly sure the kids are smart enough to realize just how much damage their mother can do. And mom wins again!'

Ha ha ha! Totally brilliant!