Tagged - Favourites

10 Favourite TV Shows

1. 8 out of 10 cats
   
2. Mock the Week


3. Have I got news for you
   
4. FAQ U


5. Phoenix Nights


6. Max and Paddy


7. Friday Night with Jonathan Ross


8. The Friday Night Project
   
9. X-Factor
10. Strictly Come Dancing
    

10 Things I Did Yesterday

1. Shopping


2. Unblocked toilet - nothing grim, just loo-roll but now I feel like a super hero, fighting all toilet blockages! Superb! Yey for me!


3. Made my bed (this may not sound like a huge achievement, but trust me, it is mega-brill)


4. Blogged


5. Wrote in my LDS Journal online!


6. Worked


7. Talked to my Mom


8. Read a book


9. Took a million online quizzes


10. Wrote all of my text messages that I want to keep into my text message journal

10 Favourite Restaurants

1. Amid Palace


2. The Bell


3. Chuck-a-Rama


4. Chili's


5. Cafe Rio
   
6. Texas Roadhouse


7. The Curry Mile


8. The Old Spaghetti Factory


9. The Civic Hall


10. My mom's home cooking!!!!!!
    

10 Things On My Wish List

1. A LONG trip home


2. ??? (I'm not telling!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
   
3. Full Time Operator Position (with benefits)


4. A nice dad


5. LOADS of money so I could help people.


6. A clean room


7. A whole week long adventure with Tay, Monkey and the Big Momma


8. An overnight visit to see Santa so I can sit on his lap! Did I mention he sent me a love letter?????????!!!!!!!!
   
9. A fab little house - I want the one with the cute red door on 900 south.


10. A little car that I can actually drive.

I tag:

Lorenne
Cindy
Ashley
and anyone else that wants to have a go!

The funniest e-mail I have received all year!!!!!!!!

"WAX is Not your Friend"

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply it down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now>covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I couldhave amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now that's funny ......... Notttttttttt.

Santa Baby

So Santa Claus officially came and went :( I had the most amazing Christmas in the whole world! It was brilliant!!!! I got so many gifts (yes, I know that Christmas is not about recieving presents - but I love feeling loved and boy! Am I LOVED!!!!!!!!!!) Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who bought me gifts - it made my Christmas extraspecially fantabulous especially when I am so far from home! I love you all millions.

BUT my very favourite gift was a glorious love letter from none other than Santa Claus! That is right! Santa sent ME a LOVE LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here it is...

My Darling Sarah

Alas, another year has come for me to visit you. I could not imagine visiting Salt Lake City and not stopping in to tha basement of the CAB (Church Administration Building) to wish you a Merry Chritsmas and to leave you youre stocking. After all, you have been a very good girl this year. I miss you and wanted you to know that other than Mrs. Claus, you are my one and only true love. I must go for now. Rudolph is getting antsy. Until next year... Have a very wonderful holiday!

Love always,

Your Santa!

P.S. ... Your stocking was left behind the table in the time out room. I hope that you ladies do not have to use that rool very often. That would be a shame.

xoxoxo

6 more sleeps to go!

6 more sleeps to go
6 more sleeps till Santa
6 more sleeps till the big fat fella
Comes down your chimney
And eats your cookies
And leaves you presents
6 more sleeps till Santa!

This is my new Santa song!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sooooooooo excited for Christmas!!!

To all of my fans - I am so sorry to inform you that I will be working on Christmas Day so I will not be joining in the festivities with my family :( But heigh -ho i do get to hang out at Church Offices with the most amazing, fab and brilliant person in the world!! Whoop whoop!

I am so looking forward to opening my presents from home and chatting to my family on Christmas Day!

So what am I hoping for for Christmas? Well truthfully, I just have so much stuff that I really do not need anything else. But if anyone is stuck for something and needs some help - I saw a really fab pink dvd player in Smiths for $30!!!!!!! Cool or what!!!!! I would love one. Other than that I am collecting Deseret Book gift cards so that I can save enough to get a fab pair of little scriptures that I want (I would just buy them but I have so many sets of scriptures that it is untrue - it would not be so bad if I actually read them as often as I should!!!!!!!!) so, to save myself from the guilt of just buying them to sit on my shelf - I think that if I bribe people to help me buy them I will not feel so guilty about them! I also have recently fallen in love with Bath and Body Works and I just LOVE their body cream and lip gloss!!!!!!!!! They are the only ideas I have, and I really just want a snog from Santa - if you spot him about please send him over to my house - I have mistletoe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mechanical Problems??!!

After every flight, Quantas Pilots fill out a form called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complains submitted by the Quantas Pilots (P) and the solutions by maintenance engineers (S)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced inside left tire

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back order

P: Autopilot in altitude mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reporduce problem on the ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode
S: IDD always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget with a hammer
S: Took hammer way from midget

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that have never had a flight crash.

Call of the Night.

My friend Wendy worked last night, here is her caller's question...

"How many teaspoons make a tablespoon?"

(The answer is 3 - in case you were wondering!!! Gosh, what did we do before Google?????!!!!)

A bunch of puffs and a temple!!

In England there is a famous television show, it is like the David Letterman show and is presented by Jonathan Ross. Anyway, they have a house band called 4 puffs and a piano, made up of 4 gay men (puffs) and a piano. The reason that I am telling you this is that a couple of weeks ago there were protests around the Salt Lake Temple about the outcome of proposition 8, and the name of that band just kept popping into my mind, all I could think of was 'a bunch of puffs and a temple' which made me giggle. I therefore decided to stick around Temple Square on the night of the protest and watch the 'fireworks'. I have to admit that I was very excited! I mean, how often is it that that many homosexuals visit Temple Square??!!!!!!

I am not really sure of my feelings toward this protest. On the one had I was overwhelmed with the response that we had at Church Offices from our own members who wanted their names removed from the records of the church because of the stand that we had taken, supporting proposition 8. I was honestly shocked that some church members would be surprised that we would take a stand against same sex marriage. I thought that it was rather clear that we would oppose anything that threatened the sanctity of marriage. I was also stunned at the overwhelming response that we had from people not of our faith, who called to let us know of their support and gratitude for speaking out in support of traditional marriage.

On the other hand, I think that being homosexual is something that is very difficult to live with, especially for members of our church. I feel that people are born with homosexual tendencies, and that it is honestly difficult for them, and I do feel that we should be more accepting of different people and different lifestyles even though those beliefs sometimes clash with our own.

I did actually really enjoy the protest. It was nice that the Church allows people to freely express their opinions on Temple Square.

Remembrance Sunday

It is Armistice Day today, and it is has been a very strange experience for me this year. In England on the Sunday closest to Armistice Day we have, what is commonly referred to as Remembrance Sunday. It is on this Sunday that we reflect on war, all the people that have fought in all wars and the people that still are fighting in wars, for the freedom of others. In England, we remember the soldiers that fought, by buying and wearing a red poppy. In every town square there is a memorial statue and in November the statues are covered with poppy wreaths. It really is very pretty and respectful and humbling and I really do miss it.

Here is my favourite sad poem about war.

The Box by Lascelles Abercrombie.

Once upon a time, in the land of Hush-A-Bye.
Around about the wondrous days of yore,

They came across a kind of box

Bound up with chains and locked with locks,

And labeled "Kindly do not touch: it's war."

A decree was issued round about and all with a flourish and a shout

And a gaily coloured mascot tripping lightly on before.

Don't fiddle with this deadly box, or break the chains, or pick the locks.

And please, don't ever play about with war.

The children understood, children happen to be good

And they were just as good around the time of yore.
They didn't try to pick the locks or break into that deadly box.

They never tried to play about with war.

Mommies didn't either, sisters, brothers, grannies neither

'Cause they were quiet, and sweet and pretty

In those wondrous days of yore.

Well, very much the same as now

And not the ones to blame somehow

For opening up that deadly box of war.

But someone did. Someone battered in the lid
And spilled the insides out across the floor.

A kind of bouncy, bumpy ball made up of guns and flags

And all the tears, and horror, and death that comes with war.

It bounced right out and went bashing all about,

Bumping into everything it saw. And what was sad and most unfair

Was that it didn't really seem to care

Much who it bumped, or why, or what, or for.

It bumped the children mainly. And I'll tell you this quite plainly,

It bumps them everyday and more, and more,

And leaves them dead, and burned, and dying

Thousands of them sick and crying.

'Cause when it bumps, it's really very sore.

Now there's a way to stop the ball. It isn't difficult at all.

All it takes is wisdom and I'm absolutely sure

That we can get it back into the box, and bind the chains, and lock the locks.

But no-one seems to want to save the children anymore.

Well, that's the way it all appears, 'cause its been bouncing round for years and years

In spite of all the wisdom wizzed since those wondrous days of yore

And the time they came across a box

Bound up with chains and locked with locks,

And labeled "kindly do not touch; it's war."

CRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZYY!!!!!!!

This is the note that was put on the board today by an operator who took the following call! I really don't know why it has tickled me so much but I think it is flipping hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just love my job!!!!

Today one of the operators got a caller who was a little miffed with us. Apparently, some of her neighbours yards are a bit of a mess and they do not take care of them. We told her that she would have to speak to her Bishop but she said that the Bishop was one of the people who had a bad lawn. She said that it was shocking that we charged people so much money in tithing that they could not take care of their lawns. She said that she had already called and spoken to someone at Church Offices who told her that there was nothing they could do about it. She called the operator to tell us that she had recorded her last phone call to the Church and she was going to put it on YouTube if we did not do something about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How totally insane is that!!!!!!!! If I had taken her call I would have told her to send me the link to the conversation when she had posted it because I would like to listen to it!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was sooooooooooo mad.

Dumb Question???!!!

When you work on the phones you get used to people asking stupid questions, but when I received the following e-mail this week, I had to have a good chuckle. I think in the future I will have to think up more creative responses to stupid questions!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Sophie the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out, when a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog. Well. Looking at the bag and realizing that it actually DID say DOG FOOD IN BIG BOLD LETTERS . . . I was a little bit curious . . So . . since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital the last time. But since I'd lost 50 pounds, before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I had decided to give it another try. I told her that it was esse ntially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again and just be a little more careful this time. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now listening and enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard when he fell. Wal-Mart has now taken away my shopping privileges.

Mystery of the Phantom Beep

So around General Conference time the operators are in charge of distributing cell phones to visiting General Authorities. After conference all of the phones come back to the operators, are cleaned, charged and stored to be used as loaner phones. This is not a major part of this story but you will need to know this information in order for the rest of it to make sense - so just bear with me ok?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today when I came into work there was a beeping noise, every few minutes coming from one of the back rooms. Marie (my manger) had called a guy from the Physical Facilities department to come and see what was beeping - she thought it might be some high tech equipment that we have in the back room. So, he waited in the small, dark, hot room to hear the beeping, but he could not find where it was coming from. We could, however, still hear the beeping coming from somewhere! Upon further investigation of computers and electronic equipment, Marie and Mr Physical Facilities discovered that it was in fact just a new voicemail left on one of the cell phones that had come back, but had not been checked in and switched off. So there you go, that was the mystery of the phantom beeping and was nothing more exciting than that!!!!!! Too funny!

How to win friends and influence people!

This is Sam. She is so unruly in class that we have to tie her to the chair every week! You cannot see it here but we have to put tape on her mouth too otherwise she swears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually she is fabulous and one of the most delightful girls I have met, I just joked with her Dad one night that I had trouble controlling her in class, so I had to tape her to her chair!! He wanted proof - so here it is! I think that it should go in the next ward newsletter!!!!!!!! :)

Chavs!!!!!

One of my favourite terms is 'Chav', I use it a lot. The unfortunate thing is though that no-one in the US has heard the term or understands its meaning. This is total rubbish, especially when you are trying to describe a certain type of person. Therefore I am going to put the description of a chav on here so that you will all know what I am talking about!

The definition of a chav (courtesy of the Oxford English Dictionary) is:

"In the United Kingdom (originally in the south of England): A young person of a type characterized by brash and loutish behaviour and the wearing of designer-style clothes (esp. sportswear): usually with connotations of a low social status."

Here are some examples of how the word 'chav' would be used in a sentence:

"Meet the Chatham Girls, known as 'Chavs', whose fashion sense and reputation for easy virtue have earned them a global following as worthy successors to their northern neighbours, the Essex Girls."

"Children desire nothing more than to dress, talk and behave like chavs, that is a youth tribe that prides itself on council-estate chicman-made fabrics, fake labels and lots of eight-carat gold: think Vicky Pollard in Little Britain."

The photos with this post are of Vicky Pollard from the hit TV show Little Britain (she is the one in the pink top!) and a mock sign post from West Dorset District Council on the feeding of Chavs!!!! Love it!

Interesting.

Here are the rules: I have to answer the following questions with one word answers and one word only! Then I must pass it on to others.

1. Where is your cell phone? Bag
2. Where is your significant other? Travelling
3. Your hair color? Blonde
4. Your mother? Amazing
5. Your father? Jerk
6. Your favorite thing? Snappy
7. Your dream last night? Saucy
8. Your dream/goal? Family
9. The room you're in? Office
10. Your hobby? Art
11. Your fear? Hate
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
13. Where were you last night? Albertsons
14. What you're not? Skinny
15. One of your wish-list items? Money
16. Where you grew up? Bed'uff
17. The last thing you did? Laughed
18. What are you wearing? Nothing!
19. Your TV? Dusty
20. Your pet? None :)
21. Your computer? Fast
22. Your mood? Excited
23. Missing someone? Extremely
24. Your car? Jaguar
25. Something you're not wearing? Knickers!
26. Favorite store? Bookstore
27. Your summer? Hot
28. Love someone? Deeply
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Music? Indie

I pass this on to:

Lorenne
Cassie
Cindy
Brandi
Tammy
Trina
Kim

Expectations - The Mask of Zorro

Don't you find it strange sometimes that when you are talking to people that you have never met, either on the phone or on the web, that you get a picture of them in your mind and then when you actually see them they look nothing like you expected. This experience happened to me last week. I am a church operator and as such I get to speak to many people everyday, most of whom work here, and we get to know a few of their voices pretty well. There is one guy that I just LOVE!! His name is Fernando, he is so lovely and I speak to him a lot. But this week I had a total shock. Fernando has a very strong accent and he sounds like he is from a South American country, and because of this I had a very definate idea in my mind of what he looked like. I expected that he would look be average height with quite olive skin, small build, very dark hair and brown eyes, in fact (although I knew that he would not really have this appearance) when I pictured him in my mind, I thought of Zorro - complete with mask, hat and cape, so imagine my shock when I looked him up on 'People Finder' (our super cool tool on the intranet to look up all of the pictures of the people that work here!) and he looked NOTHING LIKE the picture that I had of him in my mind. He is very tall with pale skin and has blonde hair and blue eyes! I have to say that I was a little disappointed that he did not look like Zorro but it did spur an afternoon of fun as we searched his work colleagues and came up with secret identities for all of them; here are a few examples: Fernando = Zorro, Rick = The Lone Ranger, Ed = The Godfather. If you are ever bored at work, this is a great activity, try it out!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder if people who speak to me on the phone have a totally different idea of what I look like. I am not sure if I would want to know how I am pictured in their minds!!!

Mo Tab Jim For Rule of the World

Check out my new blog, dedicated to the most brilliant man on earth!!!

http://www.motabjimforruleoftheworld.blogspot.com/

FAFHA

Check out our Family Away From Home Afternoon!

Currently there are 4 cool people in my family and we all live in different places. We do try to keep in contact as much as possible but it is really very rubbish as we are all so busy. So this is what we have decided to do! I think it is a fab idea!

Every Monday we are going to have our very own Family Away From Home Afternoon, which means that on Monday afternoon, everyone e-mails their assignment to everyone else. The assignments are rather simple - here is how it works:

Person 1: Lesson/Spiritual Thought
Person 2: Song/ Hymn that has inspired you this week
Person 3: Talent/skill/quality that you have been striving to develop during the week (this could be anything from 'I have been trying to have more patience so I have been….', 'I have decided to develop my sewing skills so I am going to make a quilt'. Then write about how well you did, if you noticed any differences, if you will continue this goal next week etc. we can update and encourage each other on our little goals for the week.
Person 4: Refreshments. For this activity someone could share either a new creation or a cheap recipe that is fun to make, or just some treat that they would like to eat if they could. Or it could be a little ‘thought treat’ a treat that matches a little spiritual thought that could be used in lessons or given to people etc. Or if you could not think of a treat it could just be a cool object lesson that you have seen!

So, this is the plan! I think it sounds super cool and I am excited about starting it. I think that I will post our FAFHA e-mails on here too so that they are all together and we can look back and see what we have done, and what we have learned. Brilliant plan!

Hallowe'en!

I just LOVE Hallowe'en. I think it is Spooktacular!!!!! It is mainly the decorations that I love. In England, Hallowe'en is not really a big thing, so when I was here for my first Hallowe'en it was an eye-popping experience! Therefore, this year I have really entered into the spirit of it and am actually thinking about booking the afternoon off work in order to get ready for the evenings festivities! I am THAT excited! I just have not yet decided what I want to be. Walmart have a fantastic witches hat but K-mart had amazing chains! I was going to be my Auntie Marie but I am a little scared that she would actually kill me!!!!!!! That would be quite pants!

Congratulations Jim and Christiane!!!!

I would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate Christiane and Jim Adams on the birth of their new granddaughter Zoey Jane Slater. She is sooooooo cute and actually quite a style icon (as you can see!). Check out her funky eye wear! This is quite possibly my favourite photo of the whole year!!!!!!!!

My Darling Brother

I am just so proud of my brother. He is now on his mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Scotland Edinburgh Mission. He is having the best time of his life and is loving every minute of it. Here is a photo of him 'studying' in his sexy glasses (he doesn't wear glasses and is the only member of our family that doesn't need them - but he really REALLY wants glasses and loves to try them on!!!).

A thousand things before thin!

I love J.K. Rowling. Hurrah for her and her stand against the crazy 'thin is in' obsession' that is consuming girls everywhere!!!!!!!!

Here is the article:

Best-selling British author J.K. Rowling took a moment out from her work on the next Harry Potter book to launch a withering attack on rail-thin models on her Web site, the AFP news agency reports. In a posting titled "For Girls Only, Probably…," Rowling tears into the subject of girls and weight after being inspired by a magazine model whose appearance led Rowling to conclude the girl was "either seriously ill or suffering from an eating disorder." "(The model) can talk about eating absolutely loads, being terribly busy and having the world's fastest metabolism until her tongue drops off," Rowling wrote, "but her concave stomach, protruding ribs and stick-like arms tell a different story." Rowling said she found an unwitting ally in the pop star Pink, whose new song "Stupid Girls" satirizes what Rowling calls "celebrities whose greatest achievement is un-chipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs." The author said she was partly moved to write her critique because of her own daughters, ages 1 and 12, whom she doesn't want to grow up in a thin-obsessed world. "I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before 'thin,'" she wrote.

Amen and Amen.

"Church Offices, How may I help you?"

"Church Offices, How may I help you?"

"Erm I was wondering if there was one of those small trampolines around anywhere?"

"Ok, have you lost one or were you looking to buy one?"

"Oh, I wanted to purchase one."

"Sure. I will put you through to the DI."

Eerrr, hello people! I mean seriously!

Excuses, Excuses

This is a story by Lynn C. Jaynes taken from the book 'Sunshine for the Humorous Latter-day Saint Soul'. It is rather excellent. I was going to try to paraphrase it but I really am not that good, so I will include it in full. It is worth the read anyway, even if it is a little long! I think that I love it so much because it reminds me of something Lorenne might do. Yeah, totally cool!

"Levi is trying to decide if he needs to stay home from school or not today. This presents a real dilemma, as he has to wrestle with which absentee notice to turn into the school principal when he returns. I keep several signed notes in my drawer, and he gets to take his pick and fill in the blank with his name. These are his choices:
Note #1
"________ had a doctor's appointment this morning because he is a pain - I mean he had a pain. The doctor said he's not dead yet. Please excuse him from classes, although he says he wouldn't mind making up the recess."
Note #2
"Please do not excuse _______ from school today. He deserves every zero you give him. He woke up cranky and hating everything from the breakfast pancakes to the toothpaste. He couldn't find a clean shirt except for the ones on his floor that he's been stepping on for two days, and he forgot to do the assignment in history due to a late night, very intense episode of "I Love Lucy." I have sent him back to his room with a list of nasty chores for the day. He should be done by about 2:00 this afternoon. Would you like me to send him to you then? I guarantee that by then, he will be miserable and hating staying home plenty; I should think you'd look pretty good to him."
Note #3
"Dear Teacher, You did not have the pleasure of my son's disposition in class yesterday, and for that you can thank me. I gave him permission to go hunting. I know this is generally not an excused absence, but hear me out: He ardently desired to feel like a mighty meat-gatherer, and I have been living with that macho attitude for over two weeks now. We have two choices here - you can give him zero's on missed assignments (to which he will respond, 'Mighty hunters don't care about little goose eggs'), or we could let his blistered feet, sore leg muscles, empty game bag, and the flat tire he had to change be their own punishment. The bonus to us both is that his primal chest-beating and yodeling are now much subdued. I think we both won."
Note #4
"Dear School: I have been working through my list of people to send stinky notes to today, and 'you is one!' _______ is not in class today because he informs me that there is another child sitting behind him in class who constantly picks at him and says discusting things to him. I've tried to teach my children that we don't noses, we don't pick mothers and we certainly don't pick at other kids. And, if we don't pick, then we can expect the same treatment from others. Now please, Teacher, I may be a whiny mother, but don't make me out a liar too."
Note #5
"Dear School. Yesterday _________ spent the day at home down-loading. He did not have enough RAM to continue operating at a competitive level, and his monitor was looking a little hazy. I think he caught a virus."
Note #6
"Dear School, Someone at your fine institution mentioned at the beginning of the year that attendance at a funeral constituted an excusable absence. _________ is taking you at your word and now reads the obituaries faithfully. Providence has been in his favor of late, and as you know, he has had several opportunities to mourn. Though we must excuse his absence today with a little forbearance, I think we can break him of this. From now on. do not excuse him unless he can at least spell the name of the deceased."
Note #7
" Dear Teacher, There is no excuese for my child's ditching school today, but my mother-in-law lives out of state - let's blame her. You can send ________ home the minute you get him straightened out. P.S. I won't expect him for supper."

As you can see, Levi has quite a problem figuring out which one to take this morning, if he misses school. But these are his only choices; I've spent many hours writing them, carefully choosing which words to use and signing each one. They are in my drawer at the disposal of my children, whenever they decide to miss school. I can rest fairly sure the kids are smart enough to realize just how much damage their mother can do. And mom wins again!'

Ha ha ha! Totally brilliant!

President Monson gets his shoes cleaned!

Ha ha ha! I love President Monson. And I LOVE this story... he is the coolest of the cool.

President Monson gets his shoes cleaned

Hey there baby, I'm your telephone man!

So, my mom used to sing us funny songs and silly rhymes when we were growing up. She is very funny and cute and we loved to learn those songs. Anyway, I was singing one of those songs the other day to a friend of mine who is a telephone guy at work anyway, I only knew the chorus and so we googled it to find the rest of the song. When we read the words I almost died of shock. I think the description of the song on the website was 'it is like soft porn!' Erm.. yeah, thanks Mom, teaching us dodgy songs!!!!! What is that about!

Here are the words to the song, just in case you thought I was making it up!!!!

I rented my apartment on a Monday at one
A-singin' do lolly, lolly shicky bum, shicky bum
Started movin' in it on a Tuesday at two
A-singin' do lolly, lolly shicky do, shicky do
Wednesday at three I called the phone company
Singin' hey baby put a phone it for me
Thursday at four he came knockin' at my door singin':

Hey, baby I'm your telephone man
You just show me where you want it and I'll put it where I can
I can put it in the bedroom, I can put it in the hall
I can put it in the bathroom, I can hang it on the wall
You can have it with a buzz, you can have it with a ring.
And if you really want it, you can have a ding-a-ling
Because a-hey baby I'm your telephone man.

Can you believe that? And then he says"

"Now when other fella's call ya, tell 'em how it all began."

Well... Can you imagine?

My heart began a-thumpin' and my mind began to fly
And I knew I wasn't dealin' with no ordinary guy
So while he was a talkin', I was thinkin' up my plan
Then my fingers did the walkin' on the telephone man

Singin' Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Get it any way you can
Right? Ha ha ha so...

I got it in the bedroom, and I got it in the hall
I got it in the bathroom and he hung it on the wall
I got it with a buzz and I got it with a ring
And when he told me what my number was, I got a ding-a-ling

A-singin' hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Just-a doin' my thing.

Ha ha... I've never done anything like this before.

Imagination

Imagination is more important than knowledge, for while knowledge defines all we currently know and understand, imagination leads us to all we might yet discover and create!

Hhhaitch Arrr

It is really strange how the things that people say have a tendency to stick in your mind. When I worked for Domestic and General in Bedworth, I worked in the HR department, in the office next to ours was was the site director. His name is Alistair Murray and he was one of the funniest people that I have ever met. He is so clever and has such a quick wit and an amazing talent for excellent comic timing. In fact he somewhat resembles John Cleese and often performs an amazing comedy routine for all those who are happy to take the time to listen and adore him.

Anyway, Alistair's favourite joke was to make fun of one of the HR secretary's in our department. She had a very common Beduff accent and would pronouce the department as Hhhaitch Arr, Alistair LOVED this and would quote it often. I now work for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a Voice Communications Technical Service Representative, and as a result I connect a lot of people to the HR department and everytime I do I think of Alistair Murray and I have a good little chuckle.

I am Snow White

Pure and trusting. You are a gentle soul who can get along with just about anyone. Everyone you meet instantly falls in love with you. How can they resist? You have a pure, lovable nature that's irresistable. Just don't trust everyone who comes across your path.

Five Most Influential *Authors*!

A while ago I was tagged by Lorenne to write about the topic "top five influential reads." Well I have not yet done it. I started to write down the most influential books that I have read, but I stopped that list when I got to 261 books. Then I started a list just of my very very favourite books (not just influential ones!), but I stopped that one when I got to 294!

Therefore I have decided to change the title a little. Instead of 'top five influential reads, I am doing, "top five influential authors." So here goes... I will list the author and then a few of my favourite books by that author and why I like them.

1. C.S. Lewis
The Chronicles of Narnia,
The Screwtape Letters,
Mere Christianity and
The Great Divorce.
These are among the most influential books I have read. I love them, I love his style of writing and the way that he has such a grasp on humanity and religion. I think he is one of the greatest psychologists ever known.

2. Mary Ellen Edmunds
Love is a Verb,
Peculiar in a good way and
Prayer, the soul's sincere desire.
Mary Ellen is possibly my favourite female church author, she is hilarious but really very righteous and humble and good. An amazing woman.

3. Sheri Dew
If Life Were Easy It Wouldn't Be Hard and
God Wants A Powerful People
Sheri Dew has not always been a favourite of mine, in fact I went through a phase where I did not like her at all but more recently I have read many of her books and have loved them. She is truly an inspired woman.

4. Patricia Holland
A Quiet Heart
Patricia Holland is my favourite woman in the world. This book was the first 'serious' church book that I had read. I loved it so much and it actually opened the door for me to explore other books by LDS women.

5. Tom Plummer
Waltzing To A Different Strummer,
Eating Chocolates And Dancing In The Kitchen and
Don't Bite Me I'm Santa Claus
Tom is one of my favourite authors of all time. He is amazing. I like his writing style, he is just very open and ordinary and writes about his real life experiences. He is a brilliant man.

There are other authors that have had a great influence on me as I have been growing up, they have contributed to my great love of reading and stories and all things magical. Here are a few of them, A.A Milne, George Eliot, Shirley Hughes, Judy Blume, Roald Dahl, William Shakespeare, Thomas Hardy, Gordon B Hinckley, S. Michael Wilcox, Steve Turner, Stanley Milgram, Philip Zimbardo and just recently J.R.R. Tolkien.

I tag Kerrin, Karen, Cassie, Rachel and Becky.

When the naughty chair doesn't work!!!!!

Love it, love it, love it.

Chuck Norris wants what??? One coat gloss?!!!

I was just wondering...

Who the heck is Chuck Norris?!!

What a bug-ger!!!!

I killed a bug! Yes a big, horrible, ugly, fast-moving bug. I killed it all by myself (I dropped a book on it's head from a great height and smushed its guts!!!!!!!!). As you may tell I am actually rather pleased with my act of bravery. I have never taken on such a big bug before without at least calling for back-up, and so I am rather proud of being a bug murderer this morning. I did consider for a millisecond that this bug could be someones pet, or it could be a father bug and have a million mini-bugs and a bug wife at home to support and I had just taken away their father but I was overcome with an overwhelming fear that if I let it live it would climb up my bed and crawl into my ear and then make a nest in my brain and I would end up dead and they would make a story out of my experience and show it as an episode of House. So it had to die.

I do feel a little guilt though - I mean it did not actually do anything to me, in truth it's only crime was being the ugliest bug I have ever seen - ever. I did feel a little sorry for the bug this morning, so I thought about maybe writing a story about its life so that it can live in infamy and it will not have died for a stupid reason. Maybe I will make it a little gravestone: "Here lies Buggy the Bug, squished by a falling book on Wednesday June 18th 2008. He was a noble bug and fought to the death but was defeated at the last by a clever giant. RIP"

Ooo! New Shoes!!!!

I got the greatest bargain in the world yesterday. I love shoes, and on my way home I decided to nip into the Salvation Army shop on my way home, and they were having a sale on their brand new shoes. I got 3 new pairs of shoes for $10!!! How amazing is that! I love it!

Nincompoop

Nincompoop, n.

A simpleton, a foolish person.

nincompoophood n. Obs. the state or fact of being a nincompoop.

nincompoopism n. = NINCOMPOOPERY n.

Nincompoopery, n.

Foolishness, stupidity; the action, speech, or behaviour of a nincompoop.

Nincompoopish, adj. and n.

Characteristic of or resembling a nincompoop; foolish, simple-minded. Also as n. (with the): nincompoops as a class.

New website that I love

Check out this website, it is brilliant.

www.ldsjournal.com

British term of the day - Rubbish!

Here is your word definition of the day! ;) Enjoy!

Rubbish, n (and a.) 1. a. Waste or refuse material, in early use esp. such as results from the decay or repair of buildings; debris, litter, refuse; rejected and useless matter of any kind. Also, a heap of rubbish.

Rubbish, v. 1. trans. To disparage, criticize severely. Hence rubbished ppl. a.; rubbishing vbl. n.

Rubbisher, n. A person who criticizes, disparages, or ridicules.

Rubbishing, a. Paltry, worthless, rubbishy.

Rubbishly, a. Rubbishy, worthless.

Rubbishry Rubbish; a collection of rubbish.

Rubbishy, a. 1. Abounding in, covered with, rubbish or litter.

British term of the day.

Over the past couple of weeks at work I have been asked to explain a couple of terms that I use quite often. Therefore I have been sending out a few e-mails explaining what these words mean and examples of how to use them. I thought that it might be fun to include them on my blog too.

Numpty

Numpty n, and adj,

A. n. A stupid or foolish person; an idiot.

How is it I get all the numpties in my class?
Place it several inches out from the pocket nearest the lower red and definitely not, as that numpty did fifteen odd years ago, right behind the tallest ball.
What a bunch of numpties.
Yi know, there are times in my life when I feel like the worst wee numpty jobby in the world. (Rab C. Nesbitt - see above, is a classic example of a numpty!)

Numquid, n,

An inquisitive person.

Fortune cookie

"Impulsiveness where money is concerned is not your style."

Whoops! Tell that to my poor bashed bank account!!!!

Zan the Man.

I lived in Manchester for a number of years while I attended university. I love Manchester. I love the city, I love the people that I met and the friends that I made, but by far the most amazing people that I met there were actually from Salt Lake City and they were completing a CES mission in the Manchester area. These people are called Zan and Misty Larsen, and I just love them lots.

They are without doubt the most creatively funny people I have ever met. In fact I was having a bit of a strange mood day today - there is nothing wrong with me - I am just feeling a bit weird. Anyway a few days ago I sent out to a few people one of those stupid getting to know you e-mails. I like to do them if the questions are unique or clever but if they are just the run of the mill ones that I have done a million times then I get bored and annoyed with them. Anyway, this one was sent to me at work and I had nothing extremely pressing or exciting to do so I decided that I would fill it out and send it on to a few people. Here are Zan's answers... the guy is a creative genius, such a brilliant, dry sense of humour, I am in awe!

1. What time did you get up this morning? Crack o'dawn
2. Diamonds or pearls? Just plain rocks
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Sean of the Dead
4. What is your favourite T.V. show? Quite Interesting (from the UK.)
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Lunch
6. What is your middle name? "Killer"
7. What food do you dislike? Chip barms and cockles
8. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Sound effects of a haunted house
9. What kind of car do you drive? Vauxhall Corsa
10. Favourite sandwich? Chip barms with a slice of hamburger instead of the chips.
11. What characteristic do you despise? Involuntary grinning
12. Favourite item of clothing? The sock
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on holiday, where would you go? Someplace sunny and cheery with cheap petrol, such as the UK.
14. Favourite brand of clothing? K-Mart.
15. Where would you retire to? Where I am.
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My next one.
17. Favourite sport to watch? Sutton United.
18. Furthest place you are sending this? West Salt Lake County.
19. Person you expect to send it back first? West Salt Lake County.
20. When is your birthday? 15th of Av.
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? I exist in both.
22. What is your shoe size? A royal foot.
23. Pets? I collect spores, molds and other fungi.
24. Any new and exciting news you would like to share with us. I went to Draper recently.
25. What did you want to be when you were little? Invisible
26. How are you today? Rockin'
27. What is your favourite flower? Venus fly traps.
28. What is a day on the calendar that you are next looking forward to? Tomorrow.
29. What is your full name? The Grand Invincible Omnipotent Stomper.
30. What are you listening to right now? My fingers clicking the keyboard keys.
31. What was the last thing you ate? Water
32. Do you wish on stars? No, they seem to be doing fine without me.
33. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Midnight blue.
34. How is the weather right now? Blazing sunset, which never happens in the Brit Isles.
35. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Me mum and me dad.
36. Favourite soft drink? Sams (Walmart) Caffeine-Free Diet Cola
37. Favourite restaurant? Harry Ramsden Chip Shop
38. Hair colour? White mixed with patches of flesh.
39. What was your favourite toy as a child? Personal flame-thrower.
40. Summer or winter? Neither, it's spring.
41. Hugs or kisses? Arm's length at least, I'm of Scandinavian ancestry.
42. Chocolate or vanilla? It's called DARK chocolate, not PLAIN.
43. Coffee or tea? Horlick's
44. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? On their own heads be it.
45. When was the last time you cried? Right now (hay fever)
46. What is under your bed? Don't know but it has glowing red eyes.
47. What did you do last night? Thought about answering this e-mail.
48. What are you afraid of? Speaking in church.
49. Salty or sweet? Both, along with savory.
50. How many keys are there on your key ring? No key ring
51. How many years at your current job? 13
52. Favourite day of the week? Monday Morning
53. How many towns have you lived in? "I'm a citizen of the world" - Jared Hull
54. Do you make friends easily? No, I'm Scandinavian
55. How many people will you send this to? One, the lovliest and most joyful of them all.
56. How many will respond? Just sweet Sarah
57. Do you like finding all this stuff out about your friends? Yes, I'm going to sell it on the net.
58. When was the last time you went to the theatre? Summer of '63.

Sheer brilliance!

Creative Hobo!

I love love love love love love LOVE this guy's creativity! Who would come up with something like that?! I would give him 5 bucks just for making my day!

Jamie, the Best West!!!

My brother received his mission call this week to serve in the Scotland Edinburgh Mission and is leaving on July 17th 2008. I am soooooooooo excited for him! I really think that he will have the best time of his life. I am so proud of his decision to serve a mission, it took him a while but he is now ready to go and serve the Lord and I know that he is prepared and dedicated to his decision. He is an amazing brother and my best friend and I am so proud of him.

Help! I'm being held hostage!

I know this is getting a bit hard to believe but here is yet another random phone call to Church Offices.

It all started out with a phone call for help, which I transferred to Welfare Square due to lack of detail from the caller. Anyway, a few minutes later another operator gets a phone call asking for the 'Austrailian girl'. (I think that the other operator must have explained that I was from England because this caller called me England for the rest of the conversation assuming that that was my name!!!)

So here is how the conversation started:

Caller: I think I must explain the situation a bit further, I think you were confused.'
Me: "I'm sorry. Maybe you can help me understand a bit better what it is that you need."
Caller: "Well, My fiance and I are truck drivers and our truck has been hi-jacked and we are being held hostage by my boss."
Me: "Ok, and you called the Church Office Building?"
Caller: "Well I thought you might be able to help me."
Me: "Ok????"
Caller: ..........

I am not at this point going to make an account of the remainder of the conversation as it was not as comical as the beginning and it goes on for about 10 minutes while I determine that she is not in fact entirely crazy (almost, but not quite!) and gave her the number of her bishop who got it all sorted. Thank heaven for Bishops, and thank heaven I will never be one!!!!!!!

I LOVE COMMENTS!!!!!!

I love comments, I think that the whole purpose of blogging is to get feedback on your writing - or what is the point right - you should just keep a journal. That said, I don't think that what I write is that exciting for busy people to be taking time out to read about my sad little life!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the reason that I am writing about this topic is that I may have mentioned that I work as a church operator and that I am not required to do any work except answer the phone. This means that at night time I have plenty of opportunities to go on my blog and read my comments, however I am now fed up of reading the same comments over and over. So, this is a plea for comments, please leave me a comment - even if it is only a small one - or only occassionally, it will make my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Call me, I'm here all week!

Another 'just for kicks' phone call!

"Church Offices how may I help you?"

"Do you think that April will be at the other DI?

(I would just like to point out at this moment in time that we connect approximately 12,000 phone lines which all have the same caller id. Therefore, if you do happen to miss a call from the Church Office Building, please do not call back and ask who it was - we have no idea, it could be the prophet or it could be your great aunt gertrude! We just don't know!!!!)

"The other DI?"

"Yes, the other one."

"There are actually 16 DI's that we have listed. Which one did you call and which one would you like to try next?"

beep - she hangs up!

Search for a treat!!!

So I just posted a very cool story about the ant and the grasshopper but as I started it in April and have only just posted it then it is stuck at the end of my April posts and does not show on the main screen - so if you are reading this then have a look at April because there is a new treat there for you!!!!

Don't Bite Me, I'm Santa Claus.

I have just finished reading a great book. It is called 'Don't Bite Me, I'm Santa Claus' and is written by Tom Plummer - who is my new favourite man on earth!!! It is all about different Christmas experiences in his family and what he has learned from them, and it is rather brilliant!

Here is Tom's explanation of the book:

"The fact is, Santa stays with us. He spans our transitions from childhood to adulthood. He symbolizes the kindly adult male that men wish they could be and women keep hoping to find, if even under a rock. He symbolizes joy and freedom, the flow between fantasy and reality that is all too often lost as we cross into our adult years." - Tom Plummer

Great, Great book!!! Plus it is on Amazon at the moment for 1 cent. Yes that is right 1 cent!!!!! Fabulous!

Enemies.

I am not really a person that has a great many enemies, but I have been known to have one or two in my short history on earth!! But that is alright with me. I figure that many great people throughout history have had enemies, and as a great person I feel that I should be no exception to this rule!!!! :)

I am actually addressing this topic now because I have just been confronted - thanks to facebook - with one such enemy from the past!!!! I was actually rather damaged by this enemy (being a rather weak opponent!) and I must admit that I was a little shocked to see her and not exactly thrilled to see how good she looked. I had hoped that she had become withered and crippled with an evil glint in her eye. This is how I usually imagine her and I think that image fits her soul. I think of the witch from the Disney movie Snow White. I expected to see her as the old woman who gives Snow White the poisoned apple, when in fact she looked more like the beautiful queen in the beginning of the movie. It was a bit of a shock.

As always happens in war - of whatever kind, I have been rather severly wounded by this enemy. My wounds have healed rather well and I am back to my rather spectacular self - but there are still scars that sometimes are ugly and painful and hard to accept, but most of the time I am grateful for these scars that remind me of how far I have come and how well I have healed and who I have become because of them. My mother has a saying "If you can't be grateful for what you receive, be grateful for what you escape!" and that is how it is with enemies.

Best Caller of the Day

Me: "Church Offices, How may I help you?"

Caller: " Dum Dum de dum, de dum de dum, dum dum dum dum dum, da da da de dum dum, de dum dum de dum. Do you know what this song is?"

Me: "erm... Ye Elders of Israel."

Caller: "Oh yeah, thanks."

D'oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm... I just asked Elder Scott who he was!

ELDER SCOTT!!!!!!!!!!

oh, I am sooooooo embarrassed!!!!!!!!!

(By the way... the monkey is me - not Elder Scott!!!)

Stuck in My Head

Grr... I have Lily Allen's song stuck in my head..... actually just one line of it - which is worse because I cannot remember what the rest of the song is. That is rubbish. I will sing the line to you.

'The sun is in the sky, oh why, oh why, would I want to be anywhere else? The sun is in the sky, oh why, oh why, would I want to be anywhere else? You might laugh you might frown, walking round London town."

I can't remember the rest.

Rubbish!

A Proper Wally!

So, I have for the past few days had a really hard time at work trying to figure out what people were saying, I just could not hear them very well. This resulted in me being in a constant bad mood that the phone line was rubbish and that people did not talk slowly enough when they called in. It also resulted in me having to shout really loud to be heard by my customers - not fun!!! Anyway, so after being really rather annoyed at the world for my communication problems it was pointed out to me that if I change the batteries in my headset then I will be able to hear better - and guess what! It blinkin works!!!!!!!! So now I feel like a bit of a numpty - but I am soooooooooooo happy that I can actually answer calls and not strain to hear!!!! I am loving it. Woohoo!

Currently Reading...

...Jeeves and the tie that binds.

I do not usually, as a rule, overlap in the books I am reading. This is because I am easily confused and therefore I can only really focus on one good book at a time. But I have not been able to contain my excitement to start this book BUT I am also totally engrossed in my current book - so I have decided to read both together!!!! Luckily, both of these books are really easy to read and really enthralling so I am not having a hard time focussing on either of them.

Brilliant.

Currently Reading...

Children of the Promise Series by Dean Hughes.

I love these books they are amazing, I really have been sucked into them. I love books and I love to read, but most of the time I just get consumed in the book I am currently reading and it becomes my life. I am so drawn in that I actually believe that I am an observer in the book - that I am really there. This means that until I finish the book then I am wandering around in kind of a half dream world. My friend and I had a discussion once about this - he finds that this happens to him just after he has watched a really good movie - he believes that it is in some way real, and this is how I feel with a really good book. I know it is really very random but that is the way it is.

I bring this up however, because the Children of the Promise series is about events that happened in World War 2, and I am halfway convinced that I have been living in war torn Germany for the past 3 weeks. It is very lucky that I am on the 3rd book of 5 and so I should be finished in another couple of weeks, until that time however, please do not make any loud sounds or jump out and frighten me because I will probably try to shoot you with my finger!!!

Just Thinking...

Why? For crying out loud is the air conditioning on on the bus when it is actually not that warm outside. Granted, it is a little bit warm but it is not really very warm - especially in the morning! Turn it on in the afternoon if it is needed, but I am freezing to death!!! Grrr!!!

Call me, I'm here all week!!!!

Call from lady at 4:20 am.

"Church Offices, How may I help you?"

"Hi, Is the prophet there?"

"No mam, I am sorry but he will not be here until later this morning"

"Oh, well I need to speak to him about something."

"Ok, but he will not be here until later on, it is only 4:20 am right now."

"Oh, well I am having a divine experience and I need to talk to him about it. You see, I am a member of the Church and I am homeless and I just need some food because I am really hungry, and I need to talk to him about that."

"Alright, actually mam, you need to call back later when the offices are open and you need to Welfare Square."

Ok, will you take a reverse charge call?

"No, we can only take reverse charge calls if there is an emergency, like a stranded missionary or General Authority, but we do have a toll free number that I can give to you."

"Ok, so you won't take a revese charge call from me - even though I am homeless."

"That's right - we don't accept reverse cahrge calls unless it is an emergency."

"Well that is stupid"

"That may be so, but that is how it works"

(given toll free number)

"So I have to call back later on this number, and I can't speak to the prophet now?"

"Thats right"

"Oh. Who will I get to speak to when I call back?"

"You will speak to an operator but you need to ask for Welfare Square."

"What is the name of the person that I will speak to at Welfare Square"

"You will speak to the receptionist at Welfare Square and she will connect you to the Transient Bishop"

"What is the Bishops name?"

"I don't know, sorry"

"Ok"

'Ok, you have a good night and call back later."

Oh, one more thing.

"Yes?"

"What is the Prophet's name?"

"President Thomas S. Monson"

"Oh, I think I heard the other guy died."

"Ok, Goodnight"

(Line goes dead)

The Ant and the Grasshopper

My sister and I are really rather different. We don't like the same activities, and we don't really have the same interests - she loves music and dancing and fashion. I love art and reading and watching movies. She is very hardworking and industrious, she is obsessively tidy and bakes bread. I write stories and take long hot baths.

The thing that bugs my sister most in the world is that people often tell us that we are so much alike. In fact many people ask us if we are twins, she HATES this more that anything else. I actually do not mind at all and think it is quite amusing, therefore I used to be quite hurt by this blatant display of hostility on her part - I mean how bad could it be to be like me? I am pretty amazing!! Well, I never considered how hard it must have been for her all of these years, always being compared to me, always being told how 'exactly alike' we are. She felt like she had no personality of her own - rather that she was a shadow of me.

Anyway, then one day we found this poem that perfectly and completely explains our personalities. Now I am sure that most of you are familiar with the traditional 'Ant and Grasshopper' fable told by Aesop but this was a re-written version that I had never heard before. It was brilliant. Where most people would read this and see parts of themselves in either the ant or the grasshopper - or maybe a collaboration of the two, when Katie and I read it, it was a shock. There were not parts of us in the description but rather it described our personalities fully and completely. I AM THE GRASSHOPPER and Katie IS THE ANT. We finally realized that we were not alike, in fact we are exact opposites, but we were so different that we complement each other so completely and therefore people assume that we are very alike.

Here is the story that started our journey of self discovery. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

It is winter and the grasshopper is walking in the snow talking to herself, and answering herself. She wears a yellow slicker because she could not find her parker, which is buried in the debris under her bed. She is eating a brownie and drinking a carton of milk bought from the 7-Eleven which, thank heaven, is open 365 days a year. The door in the tree where the ants live swings open. The queen ant appears and says to the grasshopper, "We are bored to death. Won't you tell us a story or at least a good joke? Our teenagers are driving us crazy; maybe you could write them a play to perform, or just a road show? Do you have any ideas for a daddy-daughter party?"
The grasshopper replies that she has ideas for all of them. So the ant invites her in and seats her at a spotless kitchen table with pencil and paper, and the grasshopper writes the road show.
The ant feeds her guest a slice of homemade bread, fresh from the oven, and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. "How do you get all of these ideas?" she asks the grasshopper.
"They come to me," says the grasshopper, "while I am taking long hot baths."

(Story by Tom Plummer)

Church Offices, How may I help you?

So I work for The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - in their office building on Temple Square in Salt Lake City. I am a Church Operator in the PBX Office, this is a very fun job - I get to speak to a lot of people who are really rather important and it is rather exciting most of the time. I also get to do pretty much anything as long as I answer the phone which means that I spend most of my days (and some nights) blogging, reading, colouring and pretty much pleasing myself.

I answer calls that come into Church Offices from all over the world. The fun thing about this is that you get to speak to a great collection of people with a great collection of problems and questions which I then have to decipher and send them to the right place to get help for what they need.

I am amazed at how many people call up wanting to speak to a General Authority with problems that could easily be handled by a Bishop or Stake President. Especially as last Sunday there was a statement from the First Presidency that was read in every ward that asked people not to call the General Authorities for trivial things - they just do not have the time to talk to everyone, although I am sure they would love to be able to have that amount of time to talk to us.

I am just amazed by the range and randomness of people's questions. Like the woman who wanted a meeting with President Eyring because "I am Chinese, and um, well, I just want to". Or the person who wanted to know how she could have her deceased pet sealed to her, or maybe the woman who wanted to find out how to legally marry her fiance after he passed away because she could not marry him now because he has Alzhiemers. Of course, we also have our regular callers, the drunk, the swearers and the lonely who just want to talk. It makes work a pretty interesting place and I would not be without these people who make my work day so enjoyable.

If words are weapons, they are also toys.

I just purchased 'The Superior Person's Book of Words' by Peter Bowler from Amazon.com for 1 cent and I think it is probably one of my new favourite books. In fact I have found a new 'superior' word to describe most of my relations. Here are a few of them with the definitions (I have not included the names of people in my family that the word reminds me of incase they beat me up!!!)

ONIOMANIA: An irresistable urge to buy things. Oniomaniacs often marry each other.

THERMANASTHESIA: Inability to feel heat and cold. The use of this term might be justifiably adapted to signify sensitivity to one or the other. Each of us knows someone who may be found rejoicing, coatless in the bracing early morning air of a late winter's day; and each of us knows someone who may be found huddled over the radiator, shivering on a balmy srping evening. Fate has decreed that the two invariably marry each other.

OLIGOPHAGOUS: Eating only a few particular kinds of food. This is the recommended word for use in those embarrassing situations when your hostess serves up for your four year old son a main course consisting largely of something which is anathema to him. As soo as you sense the alliaceous miasma, you say, apologetically: "I'm a little embarrassed to have to confess this, but I am afraid he has a oliphagous condition; I wonder if you have any dry biscuits - or perhaps something else a little, er, plainer?" Used with sufficient finesse, this technique can lead to his being presented with a plateful of sausage rolls.

THEOMANIA: A psychopathic condition in which the sufferer believes himself to be God.

STEATOPYGOUS: Fat- buttocked.

FOPDOODLE: An insignificant fool.

BELESPRIT: A finer spirit, an intellectually gifted person.

And my favourite definition which does not describe a person but is a rather common word with a rather uncommon problem concerning it's place in the English grammer system.

NONE: Not any. The interest here lies in the questions, much debated in the past of whether the word is singular or plaural. The argument used to be that since one was singular, and since none was derived from no one, then none should have a singular verb. In practice, of course it is used equally if not more freely with a plaural verb. In any event the argument is absurd, since the word refers neither to a single entity nor to multiple entities; it refers to a nullity, and hence calls for the development by a creative linguist of an entirely new conjugative inflection. Unfortunately 'creative linguist' is an oxymoron.

I love these words, in fact my sister bought me the complete set of 'The Superior Person's Guide to the English Language', also written by Peter Bowler, and I just love them. They remind me of Oscar Wilde's quote 'to be great is to be misunderstood'.

6 habits of the highly effective blogger.

Well this is the first time I have been tagged so I am rather excited about doing this. However, I do not know that many other people with blogs so I am dreading thinking of who I am going to tag!!! Rubbish.

Just in case - here are the rules.

RULES: A. Each player lists 6 facts/habits about themselves B. At the end of the post, the player then tags 6 people then post their name; then goes to their blogs, leaves them a comment letting them know they have been tagged and invites them to read your blog.

Ok, so here are my six habits/facts:

1. Like Cindy, I also have a HUGE phone phobia. I hate to call people - it takes me about an hour to psych myself up to make a phone call and if I am calling a business or doctor or someone important then I have to write down exactly what I am going to say, possible questions they will ask me and my answers before I make the call. There are only a few people who I can call without breaking into a cold sweat, but I am totally fine if people call me! Strange but true.

2. I have a bit of a fixation with deodorant. I don't know if it is because I think I smell bad but I just have to put LOADS on in the morning or I am paranoid all day long. This means that I use up my deodorant FAST! I am also really picky about the brands that I use, when I first got here it took me forever to work out what brands were the same as at home, so that I could stick with my favourite (anything anti-perspirant and pretty potent is good!!) So, if you are ever stuck for a present to buy me - deodorant would be good - I won't be offended, honest!!!

3. I have a HUGE thing for older men, especially older men in overcoats! They make me swoon - any refined gentleman over the age of 55 in a suit and an overcoat carrying an umbrella and preferably a newspaper is just to much to resist!!! It is therefore safe to say that Temple Square is my most favourite place in the WHOLE WORLD - especially at this time of year. My favourite men include President Hinckley, Dick Van Dyke, Hugh Laurie, Michael Parkinson, Michael Palin and John Cleese! PHWOR!!! The problem with this obsession is that I am a Mormon girl - in Utah - this means that anyone over the age of 21 is already married and the chances of me meeting a gorgeous, single/divorced/widowed 60 year old who is not totally off his rocker is rather unlikely!!! If you know of any good ones let me know!!!

4. I love cleaning bathrooms - especially toilets. I think it is one of the most satisfying things to do. I love the way bathrooms smell after they are clean, it is sooo thrilling. I actually have to admit that I don't clean the toilet THAT often - it is usually done by my aunt but I do love to do it. I think that it stemmed from an obsession from when I was little. I used to get terrible migraines and I would hate to throw up in a rancid toilet bowl - so I would clean the toilet about 30 mins before I threw up (I had them so frequently I can pretty much time how soon I am going to be sick!) and it would feel so much better - being sick in a fresh smelling loo. I know, I am a strange person!

5. I have a bit of a Deseret Book obsession. I think I have mentioned this before. I just cannot stay away - it is a compulsion that drags me inside whenever I go past one. It is the most amazing place in the world - I think I may have my ashes scattered in there!!!!!!!!!!

6. My last weird thing is that I just LOVE cheesy church music. I love Michael Mclean, and all of that other good stuff. The only group that I do not really like are Jericho Road - I dunno why! I love love love the Sons of Provo (not really a band) but I listen to them almost every day. I used to get mocked a lot for this obsession when I was in youth but I did not care - it is brilliant music (and now I am letting you know just how much of a geek I am).

That is all from me.

I tag Cassie and Ashley and Lorenne (I don't know anyone else with a blog who hasn't already done this - sorry!)